Me: Got sucked into the wedding vortex.
Friend: The wedding vortex? Sounds painful.
Me: Oh it is…try taking glitter, a hot glue gun, a peacock tie, tulle, napkins, bows, butterflies, mason jars, price comparisons, free shipping, a venue, 4 bridesmaids dresses, a shit load of peacock feathers, a rice krispie treat tree, a butcher, a baker, and a centerpiece maker–and then you shove all those things right up your ass…and then you puke out a wedding. And the best part is: You get to pay for it all. Ahhh…the memories
I wasn’t one of those girls that planned my wedding from the day I was born. I’ve only been to three weddings. One of them was an over-the-top Southern Baptist wedding, where my aunt was marrying the pastor. The second was of a friend who became a bitch bridezilla, and her wedding day also marked the end of our friendship (thank goodness). And the third was of a childhood friend, who had an amazing, and budget-savvy chic wedding. But even though I’ve never been in any weddings, and have only been to a few, I really, really, really love weddings! I think they’re awesome…but I’ve never directly participated in a wedding as a bridesmaid, or a bride, so I didn’t know exactly what to expect.
I was engaged once before, when I was in my early twenties. I barely even started my wedding planning. My wedding wasn’t really supported by my friends and family, for many reasons. It was very disappointing, because as much as I wanted to plan my wedding, I couldn’t bear planning it alone. I would look through magazines. I tried to get ideas. But every single time I would start planning, I would get overwhelmed, because I was alone and had no clue of what to do. At the time I was either going to have a destination wedding, or elope. I didn’t even have an idea of what my perfect wedding would be…but I had always envisioned my girlfriends springing into action to help me…I thought my mother would cry, and my father would smile proudly. Well…that didn’t happen. Not even in the least. I’m glad I didn’t get married to my first fiance. We were good as friends, but ultimately, we wanted different things in life.
When I first met Anthony, I never thought in a million years that I would be thinking of marrying him. And within a month of our relationship, we already started talking about the future using “us” instead of “I”. A few months later, we moved in together–and it actually worked. After about 5 month of dating, we decided that we’d get married in the 2-3 year of our relationship, but we pretty much kept it to ourselves. I told my sister, but that was about it. I’m sure a lot of people thought our relationship was whirlwind, but I feel like it has been anything but. Since we’ve been together, we’ve had to support each other through some very hard times. Within our first year together, we walked hand-in-hand through a shit storm. I transferred to a new store, and the transfer was awful. I started having debilitating joint pain, where I would struggle to walk even a block without having to stop. My doctor now thinks may be symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis. Anthony lost a close friend to suicide. We dealt with our emotions about family illness. We battled our bad habits, together. We dealt with Anthony losing his job after the place he was working closed, and he was unemployed for months. We severed relationships with unhealthy people. We became a couple.The connection and love was definitely there. But after a year together, we felt it was time to tell the world about our plans.
My first experience wedding planning that made me feel that my relationships weren’t as “legitimate” as the people around me. One of the greatest pains I’ve ever felt was trying to plan a wedding alone, and having a huge shadow of disapproval from everyone I cared about blocking every feeling of joy a woman should feel about her wedding day. So here I was, wedding planning for the second time in my life. I figured, this time, people will be different about it, and I will finally get to plan my wedding with my family being overwhelmed with joy. So I finally got the nerve up to tell my parents that I had met the man I wanted to share the rest of my life with, and that we planned on getting married. My parent’s reaction was more of a matter-of-fact “Okay” than a joyous congratulations. There were no tears. There was no noticeable excitement. It just was. Anthony said his family was pretty excited when he told them, but nothing over the top. “The wedding” is something I mention here and there to our families, but it’s probably nothing more than a fleeting thought to everyone else but me.
My bridal party started off with a few of my close female friends and my sister as my Maid of Honor. Mind you, most of my maids live out of town, so I already assumed that I’d be doing a lot of stuff by myself…but I figured I’d at least have them in spirit. In my newly formed dream wedding, of course my sister would be my MOH! No question! 5 months into the wedding planning, my best friend dropped out due to financial reasons and my sister chose not to participate for personal reasons. I respect both of their decisions…it’s just that, well…all of a sudden your dream wedding goes out the window, and you had to start over with a new dream. And that’s not always easy to do.
The point of me writing this is not the throw my family or friends under the bus…it’s about being honest with you other Peacocks out there that YOUR DREAM WEDDING DOES NOT EXIST. Your parents might be happy for you, but maybe they’re just not into weddings–yours included. Maybe your best friend really can’t afford it. Maybe your sister feels like you could find someone else to be MOH. It really doesn’t matter the scenario…the point is: A lot of people are not going to find your wedding to be as exciting as you do. And a lot of people are not going to want to go shopping with you. A lot of people don’t care about the doo-who of weddings, and they don’t feel like they should have to shell out money for a tacky dress they’ll never wear again. Some people just don’t care about weddings, and that’s nothing that you should be mad or resentful about. It’s just the way it is.
After I did my fair share of feeling hurt that there was no excitement over my wedding, I adopted a fuck it attitude, and said: This is my wedding, so I’m going to have a good time planning, no matter who is involved. If I have to do it all myself, I am going to enjoy planning, enjoy being a bride, and enjoy this process. And then things changed…
First things first, I had to find a new Maid of Honor, but I don’t really have that many close friends…especially ones that live in California. One of the girls I asked to by my bridesmaid was a friend from work that I’ve known for about 3 years. She has supported me throughout every major life meltdown I’ve had in those three years. I was reluctant to be close friends with her, because I have trust issues. But I asked her if I she could step in for my sister, not knowing what to expect. She literally jumped for joy and said, “Yes! Yes! Yes! I’d be honored!!” Wow. She jokingly would brag when I’d go past her at work, pointing at herself saying, “Maid of Honor! That’s right!!” LOL And that sealed the deal for me. Since my new MOH has been on the job, I have felt soooo supported! Her boyfriend even confided that being involved in the wedding has really made her happy. She’s been there for everything, and she’s a great help. She’s really done more than I could ask of her. I’m a pretty laid back bride, so I’m not barking orders at my maids, but they often say, “Hey! When are we going to do wedding stuff!?”…unheard of! Maids that are excited and more than willing to help me plan. One of my girlfriends, also a co-worker, always comes up with creative ideas and she’s always giving me feedback on ideas for details and DIY projects. And their kids offered their services when they heard about the wedding, so I have several sets of little hands to help me do all the boring and mundane things most people would roll their eyes if you asked them to do. So I have a bunch of baby maids that will fulfill my need to be sucked into the wedding vortex and talk incessantly about color palates and making wings for candy fairies (instead of flower girls). I didn’t think it was possible! This certainly is the way it should feel.
Another thing that happened is, Anthony and I grew up, and Anthony stepped up. We realized that we would have to take full responsibility for this wedding, from the financing to the details, and we went into the planning TOGETHER. He started doing more to help me. He’s willing to do just about anything, and is always supportive of what I am doing. He praises me for my creativity. It gave him a peek into my creative side, which doesn’t come out much these days. And I saw that he most certainly loves me, and wants me to have the best wedding possible. He’s my rock…and I feel lost without him. I’m up right now at 4am, writing a blog, because he’s at his parent’s house and I can’t sleep without him.
My advice to all you Peacocks out there is: Enjoy your wedding. It’s just one day. And make it as special as you can…you’ll be surprised when your actual wedding, and the process of creating it is much better than your dream wedding. Because that wedding never existed to begin with!